Written by AFL Online on 29th May 2009
So what he learnt from recent weeks? Well we found out that Blues had a severe case of premature ejaculatioin earlier on in the year when they said they were coming. It looks as though they might have to Waite a little longer to make the eight let alone the top four which apparently they were certainties to claim. We had the Saints and the Cats break a record for the most amount of records broken in a season…well, not quite but it is the first time two teams have gone 9-zip to start the year. Don’t look now boys but next year’s draw is out and the Saints and the Cats are drawn to play each other in Round 22. Oh well, who cares as long as we can have two of those exciting Collingwood vs. Carlton matches every year. I’m really pissed off at Freomond. Can’t pick either of em but this week they play each other. The smart money might be on the draw but even Bill Gates wouldn’t put his cashola on either of those two sides.
Carlton vs West Coast The Dome
Carlton. Next game. I mean who really cares? Judd will strut around like a peacock cracking that tired old joke about how he carried the Eagles to the flag but he’s not as strong as he used to be and now he has to really carry a side. Just smash the Juddster because that Blue Donut midfield won’t protect him and the Eagles are a silly chance. The Fev is facing a lawsuit because he has injured four spectators with flying Dummies with some petulant efforts in recent weeks. Watch out for the Public Liability notices at all Blues matches from now on ‘WARNING: The fans in the first four rows WILL get wet’. And if you useless Eagle bastards think you’re getting away without a REBBING think again! Tyson Stenglien should be arrested for Fraud for continuing to put his hand out for match payments. Talk about an undeclared retirement. Did I say who cares? Yeah, Blues I guess but let’s hope that some my players rack up some SC points because that’s all this dud fixture has going for it. Yep, it’s a thirteen stubbies match that the Blues should win at home by 19 points.
Western Bulldogs vs Sydney Manuka
Ah Manuka. Sounds like a topless native wench with a big bone through her nose. Not that kind of bone either so get your mind out of the gutter! Actually it’s the setting of the match between the Doggies and the Swans…a place so cold even Adam Cooney doesn’t need sunscreen. Brad Johnson will be wearing a ‘Peter heater’ on the day and seeing as it will be over his head he’ll have a genuine reason this time for missing match winning goals. Still, seeing as this match is not at the SCG then the Swans will lose their new found respect faster than Micheal Jackson’s plastic surgeons. The Doggies have had the edge on the Swans in recent matches between the sides and defeated the Red and Whites three times last year. While that will not continue on Saturday they will beat them at least once and hang on in the top four. Western Bulldogs by 32 points.
North Melbourne vs Brisbane The Dome
Hello, North Melbourne…telephone call SCREW YOU NORTH MELBOURNE!! Now that I’ve got that out of my system and I can pretend to deeply concentrate on what is one of the tougher matches to predict this round. I don’t rate these shinboner slugs but a more considered look at them shows they’ve somehow managed to win four matches this season. A win here squares the ledger and has them sneaking back towards their familiar mid ladder position where all the best draft picks are ha ha. The Lions are dead stiff. They lost Merrett and Patfull and nearly knocked off the Saints and now they’ve got to front up in Victoria for the second week in a row. The Lions lads get off the plane and don’t see any Palm Trees around and all of a sudden their legs begin to shake and the knees begin to buckle and they all want to call their Mummy (if they know who she is). I’m hopping on the Roos this week so watch the bastard promptly fall over so get on the Lions….no wonder my bloody phone bill is so big! Roos by 11 points…..I hope!
Fremantle vs Richmond Subi
How has Richmond survived over 25 years of form that is so poor that mediocrity would be an improvement? Why was Fremantle created in the first place? Two such questions that would baffle Stephen Hawking let alone a really ordinary tipster like myself. Freo are at home. Richmond flog Freo at home. Freo are crap. Richmond are crapper. Richmond has Wallace, Freo wear Purple. Yes all very good points but who is going to win the bloody game? Time to get proactive Richmond, perhaps instead of another boring season of ‘Australian Idol’ we can have ‘Punt Road Idol’ and have the best singer coach Richmond for the next five years. Imagine the ratings! This one is down to the cattle. Cuzzy is back for Richmond and he will take the place of a kid that might be able to run. Cuzzy might go the distance if he plays about seven minutes a quarter but any longer than that then another injury will ensue…Freo have the edge..big Sandilands will control the ruck, Pavlich will dominate, Haselby will run amok and Chris Tarrant will cause headaches for Matty Richardson….oh that’s right…he’s out. Freo by 1 point (it came down on Heads!)
St.Kilda vs Melbourne Carrara
Melbourne are home and hosed here. The Saints, who have played 333 games in a row at the Dome will get lost and fail to turn up for the game giving the Demons the ten goal walkover victory. Nobody will be happy…Andy Demetriou won’t be able to say ‘look at the 7000 mad keen Gold coasters just lapping up this 70 point game’…The Saints won’t be happy because nobody will talk about Sidebottom missing the bus for that final any more as the whole squad misses the bus and the Demons won’t be happy because how are they going to get that priority pick when they are knocking off the undefeated top side by ten goals? Tanks for nothing Ross! Well, I had to write something about this game. You know what is going to happen. The Dees will have a crack, the Saints will play ten minutes of football and bring out the deck chairs and coast over the line by six goals after at one stage leading by about fifty. Take a look at the Saints though..their middle to lower ranked players are just starting to drop off. I hope they can continue to rack up these soft wins. People say you can’t maintain the rage all year but the Cats did it except for one minor fixture at the end of the season. Saints by 36 in a game perfectly designed to win fans over to Rugby League.
Adelaide vs Hawthorn Football Park
Surprise surprise the old farts put in a big one and Adelaide win a game. Things get much tougher this week though because those invincible Hawks fresh off a totally convincing win against the mighty Demons last week will pave over them like a Liberal Government through a rain forest. Apologies for breaking your Sarcasm Detector but I found the enthusiastic propaganda generated at last week’s Hawthorn victory to be frankly offensive. The Crows big chance lies in the unflattering form of Dew Fatbastard Dew Fatbastard who ate all the meat pies. This one trick pony has ample reserves of arse to call on for rolling those sausage rolls through the wide fat opening. The only time Dew Fatbastard gets any attention is when he gets mistaken for a bean bag at a furniture store but if the Crows only had Aaron Sandilands in their team they would have a player who can actually wrap his arms around Dew Fatbastards not inconsiderable girth. Oh, the game? Hawthorn have mastered the Crows in recent times and that will continue. Hawthorn by 22 points.
Essendon vs Geelong The Dome
The Cats might have run out legs late against the Bulldogs last week but watch out for Cameron Mooney to put some of the legwork back into that non functioning forwardline of last week. For those of you new to the game Mooney will be the one with the big shoe mark on the back of his shorts after Bomber Thompson booted him up the arse for getting rubbed out and nearly costing Geelong the match last week. People are saying how vulnerable Geelong are but with a few players back such as Mooney, Milburn and the mighty Shagga Byrnes back in town they’ll have the speed, strength and size to make life difficult for the improving Bombers who don’t look now are in the top four. See the Bombers fly up! Sorry boys but you aren’t playing Richmond this week. You might finally get a good start after Geelong spend half the first quarter rolling about the ground in laughter because you have for some reason selected Scotty Lucas it won’t be a big enough of a lead for you to go on and win the game. Geelong by 41 points.
Collingwood vs Port Adelaide The G
Why did Cinderella run away from the ball? Because she played for Port Adelaide. BOOM TISH. People are saying how unpredictable Port are but that’s a fallacy. Port are soft, weak, spineless, skirt wearing front runners and anyone who is prepared to get their hands dirty should defeat them. Without Tredders this mob would be in the bottom four this season. The Pies did their usual ‘come on REB don’t you know we win interstate’ thing last week and normally they are as useful as a middle east peace conference when they are the favourites but no way am I backing Port the way they are playing. They look like they can’t be arsed but that must be what they are doing at training at the moment. The Pies are getting a few back and know that they need to start winning games to make the eight. Port are in the eight but won’t be by the end of the weeend. The Pies will get back into the upper crust and cause a sauce of frustration for Choke-o Williams. Collingwood by 17 points.