You have it!! No, you have it!! I don’t want it!! No it’s yours!! Can anyone else picture the scene with Ross Lyon and Bomber Thompson playing hot potato with this week’s four points on offer for the clash between this season’s heavyweights? Both clubs have been talking each other up all week long…the mutual admiration society between the Saints and the Cats is making my stomach churn. Where is the spite? Where is the hatred? Have we all turned into a pack of mincing metrosexuals? I want Saint blood spilled at the Dome…maybe we can hire Barry Hall for a quarter to land a few well chosen blows and then he can be on his way. Another funny thing has happened this week…for some reason Collingwood have gained credibility by defeating the likes of Freo, West Coast, Port, Melbourne and Sydney. Nice work if you can get it. It’s going to be a great round and not before time. Now to try and pick some winners for a change.

Collingwood vs. Essendon The G

Perhaps we’ll get the game that was promised last week. A good old fashioned block buster with traditional Victorian teams. This will be a ding dong battle as apparently Kevin Sheedy has offered to coach the side that loses tonight so it should be on for old and old. Collingwood will swagger on to the field like the town drunk but Essendon have already shown this year that they fear no one (well, except the Cats maybe) and they’ve already put the Pies back in their box thanks to ZAHARAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKIS. Can they repeat the dose? Despite everyone leaning towards the Pies I’m thinking they can. The Bomber back six is starting to get a settled look about it and the return of McPhee gives them a bit of added strength and experience as well. Despite my dire predictions for Paddy Ryder last week he is showing that there is plenty left in the tank and he can get the drop on the honest Fraser. If the Bombers contiune to attack the corridor then they can quickly get back into the game whenever it appears the Pies are home and hosed. Two out of two for Essendon against Collingwood this year for mine with the Bombers to provide a sauce of frustration for the Pies. Essendon by 15 points.

Melbourne vs. West Coast The G

The freak with the funny hair comes to the G this week. No, not Micheal Jackson but the magnificent Nick Naitanui who appears to be the most exciting talent unearthed since Lara Bingle. Something that is not so funny is the tragic illness to one of the true gentlemen of football Melbourne President Jimmy Stynes. While The Ox is a dill and Gary Lyon is a smug tosspot you’ll have to search long and hard before you can find anyone who will say a bad word about the 1991 Brownlow Medalist. Once again at Melbourne Stynes will prove to be a match winner. While it is true that in recent weeks Melbourne have been poorer than the young ‘babes’ on Neighbours in the last eighteen months you have to remember that last week they went in minus a ruckman, their skipper and the dependable Matthew Bate. All of these blokes are back and the Demons suddenly look a more experienced combination. Against a West Coast side that is Coxless and is also missing gun midfielder Daniel Kerr, the inclusion of experienced players playing for a club legend should be enough to earn the Demons their second win of the season. Melbourne by 16 points.

Port vs. Brisbane Football Park

My tipping has become so poor that instead of putting myself forward as a serious tipster I try and crack as many jokes as I can in REB’s Rubbish to cover up my stinky tipping performance. However, so far this season my finest comedic moment was when I selected Port to finish second on the ladder at the start of this season. That one was so poor I have since asked myself to step outside and given myself an uppercut! This week the power puff girls face what is probably their final chance to get back into the top eight. Lose this one and they are GAWNSKI. It won’t be easy against the Lions either who are starting to look fairly solid to me. The two big forwards will test the Power’s defence and with Patfull and Merrett back and guys like Sheldon and Adcock setting up attacks I just can’t see Port getting home and it’s not as though they have far to go either. If Port win perhaps they can make the eight and I’ll be forced to give myself an apology. It’s not a cheap shout when you have multiple personalities I can tell you. Brisbane by 29 points.

Richmond vs. Adelaide Carrara

When The Jade Monkey sacked everyone over 26 in the Tiger team a few weeks back they effectively ended their season. They then went completely mad and had a mad monday and actually won a game. Now the season is over and the Tigers are heading up to the Gold Coast for the end of season footy trip. Instead of sinking undrinkable XXXX tinnies by the dozen and perving on hot beach babes they’ll be instead be forced to dress up as witches hats while the Crows run rings around them. Either the Tigers are ahead of their time or they need someone to buy some accurate calendars down at Punt Road…and seeing that Wallett reckoned this mob would win a premiership by 2010 I reckon they need the new calendars and they aren’t ahead of anything. WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF TOMORROW. Adelaide by 48 points.

Western Bulldogs vs. Hawthorn The Dome

Tom Cruise has been spotted in Melbourne recently and Uncle REB has the good word in an AFL Online exclusive. Cruise has come to Melbourne to film his latest movie ‘Died on the Fourth of July’ starring the Hawthorn Football Club. Dew Fatbastard is an extra playing a beanbag, Luke Hodge is a playing a fellow crippled veteran and Tom Murphy will be impersonating an AFL footballer just like he’s been doing all season. Due to Carlton’s continuing crumminess, the Hawks are still a silly chance of making the eight but if they get done this week then it’s all over bar the shouting for the defending ‘premiers’. I reckon the Hawks will have a real crack here but the Doggies just look too fit and have been running over the top of teams late in games over the past few weeks. I expect the Dogs to kick away again in this match and we’ll all be waving the Hawks a fond farewell at the end of it. Western Bulldogs by 28 points.

Sydney vs. North Melboure The Basketball Court

Like an old fullback settling gratefully into a bath at the end of a match in the slop, the geratric Swannies are back at the SCG Basketball Court. It is fitting that this team plays home games at the Basketball Court because this team is a basket case. Having said that though, North is even worse. To be fair to the Kangas though they’ve had a shocking injury run that ultimately sent Laidley on his way but you probably didn’t notice it because the sound of the Hawks whining about their injury list probably blanked out every other sound in the football world. North will be in the hunt here as Darren Crocker has ‘pulled a Knighter’ and has released the chain that appeared to be holding the Kangas back. While it is probably time that Roos did the same at Sydney he probably won’t need to against North at this venue. The standard Sydney strangulation works best at the Basketball Court and you are not going to drop a winning strategy when you’ve lost your last four matches. Both of these sides will be spectators this September but it will be the Roos who will be booking their holidays first. Sydney by 19 points.

St Kilda vs. Geelong The Dome

This is a game that Geelong can’t lose. If the Cats salute they will have more wood on the Saints than Robert Walls as St Kilda has not beaten Geelong since the Cats glorious 2006 season. If the Saints win the Cats slip under the radar a bit and and the Sainters will be premiership favourites all the way to the Grand Final. Just what you need when you’ve won one premiership over 113 years of football. This game is set up for the Saints. With it’s tall forward structure if they can’t beat the Cats at the Dome I wouldn’t be backing them with your money at the G with a bit of wind and or rain about. The fact remains that Ling owns Dal Santo and the unfairly maligned Taylor does a good job on the Alpacca and Koschitzke will have his hands full with Matty Scarlo. This match will be won in midfield so the Cats win it pure and simple. If the Saints can curtail Geelong’s scoring power then the game is being played on their terms and that will be their best chance. If the game becomes a shootout the Cats are home as they have the top ranked attack in the league. I reckon the Cats can overcome that stingy Saint defence as they will run and take on the zone. Time to unmask the pretenders! Geelong by 44 points.

Fremantle vs. Carlton Subiaco

You know your club is sad when you can’t beat the Dockers and the Blues have recorded just won victory over the Wanchors in the last seven years. True, the Pavola won’t be on the menu this week but the Blues will leave more than a few experienced players back on the ants nest in Melbourne in what could turn out to be a mistake. Sure, Stevens sucked and Scotland wasn’t much better but these two guys could have proved to be invaluable contributors against this young Freo outfit that tends to grow a leg when they play at home. Have the Bluebaggers thrown the baby out with the bathwater here? The Blues look a fairly slow unit and the Docks have cleaned out a lot of the older blokes and could take advantage of the wide open expanses of Subiaco. I reckon Harvey’s boys can put one hell of a Matthew Dent in Carlton’s confidence with a solid home victory in front of the Purple Haze. Fremantle by 20 points.