With the AFL in court with the management of the Dome and the coaches playing musical chairs to the sound of AC/DC it is the ideal time to remind everyone that the football season is still on. The round is kicking off with an unofficial final for Essendon and Carlton in a classic eight point game. Talk about rigged, the rest of us have to play for four points! The round seems to die in the arse a bit after that with some potentially one sided matches coming up. Could be a good round to go for the pick eight if you can get tonight’s match right.
Essendon vs. Carlton The G
The G is going to rock tonight as football deprived Victorians (Melbourne doesn’t count) will flock to the great ground to see what shapes as a classic contest. Youth is on Essendon’s side with Scott Lucas, Matty Lloyd, Dustin Fletcher and Tim Watson all ready to go for the Bombers…er…what’s that? It’s Jobe Watson who plays these days? Oh well, nothing would surprise at Bomberland. I reckon Patrick Ryder will be like the Duracell Bunny who runs out of steam against that maniac Krueze Missile Energizer battery. Ryder has played out of his skin in recent weeks but I reckon he’ll hit the wall tonight and that Carlton can take advantage. Essendon have the edge in pace but no one can outrun a decent kick and I reckon the Blues will be cherry ripe to rape the Bombers tonight….hang on, they’ve just paid me not to print that! Carlton by 11 points.
Collingwood vs. Fremantle The G
The Pies tough draw gets a lot tougher here with a home game against Fremantle who last won in Victoria about the same time as Rod Laver. How can this battling club be expected to survive when it has to face the awe inspiring run of Melbourne, West Coast, Port, Sydney and Fremantle in successive weeks? Anyone would think that the AFL were conspiring to lock the poverty stricken Pies into the bottom eight. Alan Didick will continue to be the pretender to the Macedonian Marvel’s crown as he runs rings around some kid but come September the truth will come out. The Pies will actually have to play a good side and Didick will have to come up against a player who is old enough to shave but young enough to know what a text message is. As with many Collingwood fans, the jury is out on the Pies but they shouldn’t have any trouble adding to their flat track bully reputation against the young Dockers. Collingwood by 33 points.
Adelaide vs. Sydney Football Park
If the Swans were a horse they’d shoot it. It is pathetic to watch this once noble steed hobble about the football grounds of Australia. The heart is still willing but the body is fatally weak. Captain Kirk can’t aim the lasers straight, Barry can’t deck the Halls, Ryan O’Keefe just wants to SHOUT for another club, Micky’s had enough and is getting O kicks and Paul Roos is putting in some quality whinging which might have a positive spin about it if he can prevent the West Sydney Buccaneers from becoming a reality. Adelaide meanwhile have been re-invented by the Professor and they are starting to once again look like a top eight combination. The Bloods need fresh blood while the Crows have had the operation and continue to be competitive. To be subtle about it, Sydney are screwed – and they couldn’t beat the Cows in their prime. Don’t expect a win here. Adelaide by 45 points.
West Coast vs. Hawthorn Subiaco
At the start of the season the Eagles promised a new era at West Coast and the club has duly delivered. Gone is the austere, robotic image of the unlovable Eagles. Now they are the life of the party! If it’s not young players kicking the ball in the wrong direction or jumping jack ruckmen with Bob Marley hairstyles it is the administration of the club providing the chuckles by giving coach Worsfold a contract extension when he has a winning percentage that is half of the sacked Dean Laidley over the last three seasons. Hawthorn for their part have shown they are team that does not forget. After receiving the ultimate in generosity from the considerate Cats last year this year the Hawks have been more than generous in return with many Hawks on hand to give the ball to the opposition for goals, even in their Apple Island home. If you see a Chance Bateman take it! Other Hawks have been helping around the home by pretending to be stepladders. Yes, as usual it’s tool time at Hawthorn. This will be a shocking game that the Hawks will win but this game won’t get them back into the outer suburbs let alone town – their draw is horrendous so we can look forward to plenty of comedy from the Hawks before the year is out to match the efforts of West Coast so far this season. Hawthorn by 19 points.
Brisbane vs. Melbourne The Gabbatoir
The Demons have lost the plot in the last two weeks with two laughable performances that turned the clock back to the worst of 2008. The Demons have only won 15 quarters this season and half of them (not too sure how you can win half a quarter) have been the last quarter when the other team had the deck chairs out and were enjoying the spoils of victory while the game was still on. Yes siree, Melbourne reek. The Lions have been going strength to strength and this week they finally get Merrett and Patfull back so on paper there is no way they should lose this game. I reckon you’ve got a better chance of seeing NSW beat QLD in the next state of origin than seeing Melbourne win this game so Punxitonie Phil forecasts six more years of winter for Melbourne. Brisbane by 62 points.
Geelong vs. Port Cat Park
The Cats will sleep in, kick twice as many points as goals, give away nineteen frees, have fourteen brain farts and sign a thousand autographs and turn up late and still beat Port. The only way Port wins this is if this round is Women’s round. Bunch of skirts, shocking team. Choco has been coaching them to lose so he can get a decent squad and get paid more money and this will be the game that will lead to Choco being shown the door. It’s that wooden thing with the round knob on it Mark ha ha. Cats to flog Port by 17 points because they can’t be arsed to play properly against struggling teams.
North Melbourne vs. Western Bulldogs The G
The Roos are about to have a Darren Crocker. The Bulldogs are the new St Kilda and now St Kilda have found out what it feels like to win over ten matches in a row and have everyone talk up a team that wins four in a row instead. The Roos are a bit like Sydney at the moment, only playing from memory while the Dogs have the winning habit bark. Such a scenario does not augur well for the debut of the above mentioned Mr Crocker but Betty might yet be able to mix up a winning batch as the Shinboner spirit is never more evident than when everyone thinks they can’t win. Where was I? Oh yeah – they can’t win….Bulldogs by 52 points.
St Kilda vs. Richmond The Dome
This underwhelming round concludes with the equally underwhelming match up of the Tigers and the Saints. After failing to lose last week the Tiggers have brought even more fresh blood and it will be difficult to see how Richmond are going to kick a goal against the frugal St Kilda defence. The Sainters (along with Geelong) have looked a bit bored lately, just falling over the line as they twiddle their thumbs awaiting the great round 14 game of the season. We’ll all have to wait next week and two unbeaten sides will take on each other then but for this round it’s nighty night all the way…this week it won’t be just the Melbourne fans on the slopes as the Saints to rack up a 10 point flogging of the Tiges.